When Fanfic Writers Attack
by Hari-Aisu
Summary: You ever wonder just what Light and L think about being put into all the situations us fanfic writers create for our personal amusement? Hopefully it's not nearly as scary as this.
1. When Fanfic Writers Attack

A/N: I have to say, this is for all fanfic writers within the DN community. I love you guys… but c'mon. Really? _Really?!_ Did you ever take our dear character's feelings into consideration with all the crap we put our boys through? The fluff? The over-dramatic love stories? The evil intent? And I reiterate-

_**REALLY?!**_

I consider this a shout-out to all you guys… if I missed something (or someone), I apologize, but I'm only human. Lol. And don't worry… I get burned too. In fact, I'm pretty sure I get burned worst of all. XD

Just…

Just read. ^.^

* * *

Title: _**When Fanfic Writers Attack**_

* * *

"Raito-kun, you're being completely ridiculous."

"I am not!" Raito sputtered as he opened the door leading into the café they were planning to eat at, honey-brown eyes narrowed with anger. "Did you read what she had us do in the last chapter?! It was… it was…"

"Gratifyingly delicious?"

Raito gave the older man a deadened glare as dark obsidian-colored eyes managed to sparkle mischievously.

"I swear, if she even _thinks _about going through with her _chocolate pudding _plan, I _swear-_"

"Hey you guys." Raito blinked as he stared at his 'look-alike'; the young man was identical in every way, even in the clothing he wore and the way he stood. The first Raito however grimaced as he noticed a ring of burnt marks wrapped around his clone's left wrist along with the dark crescent-moons buried underneath his eyes. "What?"

The first brunet pointed at the appendage in question, hazel-brown eyes wide with morbid wonder (he knew this was going to destroy his innocence once he found out, but he just _had to ask_). "What the hell happened to you-"

"WHY DON'T YOU ASK _HIM_?!" Other-Burnt-Wrist-Raito suddenly exploded as he pointed at another L who was smirking in the table behind the second Raito's figure, shoving a large spoonful of ice-cream into his mouth with a leer. "That stupid man decided that handcuffs _must _equal sex at all times, so whenever I said _no _he would pull on the stupid chain and drag me to a damn supply closet and have his wicked way with me! I don't know how long I'm going to be able to take this crap; the author is INSANE. And perverted! PERVERTEDLY INSANE, DAMN IT!"

The first L smiled before giving his doppelganger a thumbs-up. "… … … Nice."

"THAT'S NOT NICE!" Both Raito's shrieked, bursts of fiery anger filling up their beings as the man before them didn't even flinch. "You guys don't get it! You're the ones who always get to abuse and abuse and abuse while we're the ones always stuck taking it up the ass! LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY DAMN IT"

"I DON'T!" Shouted a random Raito from the back. "I'm seme!"

"That would be because you're partner is a 12-year-old child," First L stated matter-of-factly, pointing at the mini-him clinging to the third (and quite much older and creepier) Raito's leg. "Is he even developed enough to be able to take it up the a-"

"L!" The first Raito bellowed before shoving the man on the ground, a large vein throbbing on the temple of his forehead. "Stop being such a damn pervert!"

"But Raito, our authoress has characterized me to be this way." L grinned back, slowly lifting himself off the ground and setting himself in a threatening crouch. "I just cannot help myself."

"HE WOULD BE CORRECT!" Another L shouted from a random table on the other side of the room, holding onto a psychotic-looking Raito who was scarred up and… well, kind of scary looking.

"Here, here!" A fifth L smirked as they forced a rather young-looking Raito who couldn't have been more than 10 years old (much like the perverted Raito in the back, this one seemed to have a thing for little boys) onto his lap and pet his hair as the boy struggled to release himself out of his embrace.

"There is nothing wrong with expressing your emotions through physical touches." A regal-looking L stated as he pushed his falling spectacles up from the bridge of his rather narrow nose-

Only to ruin the intellectuality of his pose by groping the teenage-Raito beside him in plain view of everyone and beaming with perverted delight.

The first Raito stomped his foot on the ground and growled loudly, steam practically coming out of his ears. "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY JUST GOING TO LET THESE CRAZY MEN AND WOMEN MESS WITH YOUR LIVES THIS WAY?! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY _SHAME_?!"

Everyone within the restaurant became eerily quiet as they stared at the irate young man glowing with rage.

A dashing 17-year-old Raito leaning against the window just on their left-hand side smirked as he flipped through his black notebook (which had some lettering on the front of it that the first Raito could not read from his vantage point) and plucked out a pen from his back pocket. "And this is coming from the one who adopted three incredibly insane kids and has consensual sex with a proud pervert on a daily basis because…?"

"Shut up. Just because there are a few of us who _don't_ kill people in the name of '_justice'_ and laugh about becoming 'God' doesn't make you any better than us." The first Raito snapped back, ignoring the furious flush creeping over his cheeks. The fact that said proud pervert was now staring at his ass and drooling had nothing to do with said flush either. "Now that you're done with that, why don't you tell me just _what _it was you were doing with _him _the other night Mr. Smarty-Pants?!"

The notebook-holding Raito sweat-dropped as the L beside him raised an eyebrow before tilting his head on the side, eyes appearing duller than the other L's gazes. "Yes, Raito. Why don't you tell them just what it was you were doing. Or better, _who_ was doing yo-"

"This doesn't solve our problem!" A frustrated Raito wearing a lab-coat and stethoscope yelled in the back, scurrying away from a rather frisky L who was already unzipping his pants. "What do we do?!"

"That's a good point," a flamboyantly dressed Raito muttered, ignoring the annoying stare the L next to him was sending in his direction… about 10 centimeters away from his face. "Isn't there anything we can do?"

"I SAY WE SEND A LETTER OF COMPLAINT TO THESE FANFIC AUTHORITARIANS AND GIVE THEM A PIECE OF OUR MINDS!"

"I SAY WE PETITION AGAINST THIS SO-CALLED… FANFIC AND SUE THEM FOR ALL THEY'RE WORTH!"

"I SAY WE BURN THE INTERWEBS AND MAKE MARSHMALLOWS WITH ITS BURNING REMAINS SO THAT THEY HAVE NO WHERE TO POST THEIR PRECIOUS STORIES!"

"I SAY WE STONE THE WRITERS AND PISS ON THEIR COMPUTERS SO THAT THEY CAN'T USE THEM ANYMORE!"

"I SAY WE DO AWAY WITH LxLIGHT YAOI AND MAKE LIGHTxMIKAMI YAOI INSTEAD!"

All the men within the restaurant stared back at the lone man in the back, his trench coat doing little to hide his true identity as his glasses slid down his nose and crashed onto the ground.

"That'll… show them?"

"Mikami, get the fuck out." The first Raito muttered, shaking his exasperatedly as L proceeded to glare at the other man and make threatening gestures to his face. "Ok, so first we have to plan…"

"Plan what, though?!" A Raito decked out in school-uniform blinked as he stood up from his chair and wheeled about another L who was dressed in identical uniform and reaching for his behind as he did so. "What can we do to make them stop?!"

"Oh, don't worry. I have a _plan_.And with this plan, we shall see the end of fanfiction as we know it!" The first Raito chuckled a bit at first before bursting out into full blown maniacal laughter, causing all the Raito's within the restaurant to burst out in identical laughter as well.

The L's sweat-dropped as they stared at their various lovers/opponents, not sure whether they should back away in fear or not.

"Yeah… but I still think we might have it luckier than some others, you guys," another Raito dressed in a patient jumpsuit made entirely of white rubbed the back of his neck as he finally stifled his laughter.

"Really? And who would that be?" A nonchalant Raito wearing all leather rolled his eyes in disbelief.

Patient Raito didn't even skip a beat, the one word flying out of his mouth more threatening than any other in their vocabulary-

"_Doujinshi._"

Every Raito and L in the room shuddered.

"Yeah," the first Raito bit his lip as he nodded his head, "those bastards are just _fucked_."

"You mean kind of like how you were when you first saw L's penis?"

"THAT'S IT, BITCH, I WILL _KILL _YOU!"

"GRRRAAGGGHHH-!"

* * *

"CHICKEN GIZZARDS!"

A young 21-year-old girl with light brown eyes and short cinnamon-brown hair fell off her bed as she flailed about, the blanket she had been wrapped within tangling against her legs as she flew down on the ground.

Taking a few seconds to collect herself she grabbed her glasses and pushed them up against her eyes. "Just a dream… just a _dream_…"

Smiling in relief she dove back into bed, grabbing her notebook so that she could write down what she could remember.

"I must be going crazy…"

* * *

_**The End…?**_

* * *

End Note: For those who don't get the reference, the first Raito and L to enter the restaurant were indeed Discordant Harmony!Raito and L. All the others… well, you'll just have to use you're your imagination. Because I've seen it _all_. Yes, I am a bastard. But that's what you guys love about me, isn't it...? Lol. Forget that. Thanks for reading!


	2. You See Me Trollin?

A/N: Oh Goodness…

WHY YOU SO ANGRY LIGHT… … …S? Lol.

This should not have been as much fun as it was. BUT IT WAS. AND IT WAS FANTASTIC. C:

It's been awhile since I've been in the crack realm so let me know what you guys think. Honestly I snorted a good portion of this fic but HEY WHAT DO YOU KNOW I'M GUILTY OF ABOUT 99.9% OF THIS SHIZZNID. XD

This would only be better if this were in comic style. Or RL. Or BOTH. My imagination, it runs with me you see. ^.^

ENJOY MY FAN-BIATCHES. MAMA WISHES YOU A FINE JOURNEY AND SAFE RETURN. BAM. Thank you btw to those who contributed to this clusterfuck. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE AWESOME AND MAMA LOVES YOU MOST OF ALL.

* * *

Title: **When Fanfic Writers Attack**

Part II – You See Me Trollin'…?

* * *

"They can't have used every character archetype in existence. It's just not possible."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Pfft… Ok, I'll bite. Clowns?"

"There's a link for that."

"Animals?"

"There's a link for that one too."

"Poker players?"

"Link."

"Farmers?"

"There's actually a couple of links for that one."

"Scientific experiments gone wrong? That one isn't even probable!"

"That one's actually getting pretty popular. Link for that one too."

"High school musicals?"

"Triple link. Damn and that one is even more improbable than the farmers one."

"How about male pregnancy? C'mon, that's not even possible, there's no way people have actually stooped to that level and written abou-"

"There's a few links for that. And art. And possible cos-play action. Wow, that one's actually the mother-load of link-age."

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Raito threw his bag of potato chips at his duplicate sitting behind the blue laptop, his face as red as a ripe tomato. The younger Light, who was bedazzled in bangles and scarves, blinked scrumptiously at the RAGE (all caps necessary) practically dancing in front of him. "HOW THE FUCK IS ANY OF THIS EVEN CLOSE TO CANON?"

"Maybe it's fanon…?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS A FANON?"

"Fanon would be a fan's version of characteristics within said television show/movie/anime/cartoon/what have you (whether they pertain to a particular character or circumstances/events) that happen within said medium which are never really specified within the show but become widely accepted within the show's fan-community through either an adaption of said medium or what is assumed to be the only possible interpretation from the source available."

Raito, who now had a mini-version of himself staring just as incredulously at his mirror-image as himself, was flabbergasted. "How the hell do you even know this?"

"TV Tropes."

"…"

"…"

"… What the hell is a TV TROPES?"

* * *

*Seven Hours Later*

* * *

"Oh my fucking Kira, who the hell would even have the time to do this shit? It's perfectly organized! And the links… GOD DAMN IT THE LINKS!"

"I think my brain just exploded."

"Either that or the fourth wall has just been broken indefinitely."

"THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LANGUAGE? PWN? FTW? BRB LOLING 4EVA? TRUFAX? WHY DO MY EYES FEEL AS IF THEY ARE MELTING?" This Light, who looked normal enough, began trying to gouge his eyes out, the not-knowing obviously leading to his undoing.

"In the words of several fan-girls and boys across the world... fuck yeah we do."

"How the hell do we fight something like this…?"

"DOES ANYBODY HAVE A DECODER RING DAMN IT? I NEED TO DECIPHER THESE COMMENTS AND THE CODE, IT CAN'T BE BROKEN!"

"Well obviously we can't take out a large fandom in one fell-swoop." The most logical Raito so far pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, his personal bubble incredibly larger than the others around him. Grabbing another Wet One from his pocket, Glasses-Raito cleared his throat in anticipation. "We'll just have to take them on one by one."

"Like kill them?" Unsurprisingly, this exclamation contained far more glee than was socially acceptable. The scars all over this Light's face probably didn't make the statement sound any better either.

"It's a known fact," another Light, dressed in evening wear… *ladies* evening wear, wisely cut in "that for every fan-girl and fan-boy killed, two more take their place in the fandom circle."

"Oh my God, we are in Hell aren't we? We are in Hell and there is NO WAY TO ESCAPE."

"No, no, no, no! All of you are missing the point completely!" A smooth feminine tenor broke through the chaotic fodder, auburn colored hair shining as brightly as her… his… its eyes. "We need to get these authors to quit toying with our emotions and what's the best way to get someone to give up on their ambitions!"

"Offering large portions of money?"

"Threatening their lively-hood?"

"Killing them all?"

"Punching their cats until they cry…?"

"Taking their potato chips… AND EATING THEM!"

"IT MUST BE MORSE CODE DAMN IT! Does anybody fucking know Morse Code?"

"TROLLING YOU DUMBASSES!"

Several Light's and Raito's stared at the he-she now screaming, her/his eyes gleaming with vicious competiveness. "Ok, how about this. Do any of you know what a flame is…?"

Brown eyes slowly began to clear of their confusion, several light-bulbs dinging metaphorically all at once.

"I still can't understand this shit! Doesn't anybody speak Weeabo?"

"Wee-a-what?"

"I think I just face-palmed."

"I FUCKING GIVE UP!"

* * *

(_OMG I CANT BELIEVE YOU JUST RAPED MY EYES!_) 7/24 ch 5

_HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH GARBAGE! AS IF WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TRASH IN THE DEATH NOTE COMMUNITY YOU HAVE TO ADD MORE JUST TO SPITE THE FEW TRUE FANS THAT ARE LEFT? _

_AND SLASH? __**YOU DARE WRITE SLASH? YAOI? BUTT-SEX?**_

_When are people going to stop reading into ridiculous subtext that is NOT THERE! _

_Light and L are straighter than a yard stick made of unbendable steel! FUCK YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE OF AIDS YOU FUCKING BITCH! THAT'S ALL YOU PEOPLE FUCKING DESERVE._

… … _FUCK!_

* * *

"How does that look?" The Raito's murmured collectively, staring down at the computer screen until their eyes seemed to practically bleed from the lack of blinking.

"What the Hell are you all doing?"

L bit his lip as three Raitos, one of them heavily pregnant with what could have been a child (L was leaning more towards a tumor… oh God please let that be a tumor), the second embellished with tattoos (and when L said tattoos HE MEANT TATTOOS) and piercings on every part of his visible body (which underneath those short shorts and tiny vest was VERY, VERY MUCH) and his own Raito, who was glaring at him as if he had purposefully walked in the room at the most inconvenient time possible.

Which considering what his "boyfriend" had been plotting these past several weeks, it may have very well been.

"Nothing…"

"Right." L wondered if this was _really _worth the headache he was sure to gain as a result. "Raito-kun is doing nothing…"

"AIDS?" L almost smacked himself in the face as the tall figure (much taller than him anyway. Honestly couldn't fan-girls brush up on their knowledge of height and figure out just how tall he was?) that was in appearance his near clone if not for the frayed edges of his pants and shirt. And did he mention how dirty his doppelganger was? BECAUSE HE WAS. "Why Raito-kun, I did not realize that AIDS was even within the equation. Should I be worried?"

"FOR THE LAST EFFING TIME I AM NOT A DIRTY SLUT YOU JACKASS! WHAT KINKY SHIT ANYBODY HAS ME DO IS BETWEEN ME, MY PARTNER, MY AUTHOR AND THE THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE THAT READ ME DO SAID KINKY SHIT DAMN IT!"

"I do not recall saying such a thing," another L spoke up, this one furry in ALL the wrong places "but if the shoe fits…"

"I knew we should have picked a better hiding spot." Light, who was now sporting pointed ears, very distinct eyebrows and held a slight greenish-tinge in his complexion, mechanically stated. "My logic served me correctly whereas all of your efforts were in vain."

"What are you doing Raito-kun?" The first L sighed dramatically, knowing he was going to wish he had never asked.

"We _were_ just trying to free ourselves from the oppressive authority that is fanfic authors. But don't mind us! REALLY." Raito, who was holding onto his own laptop, attempted to deflect the incredulous stare from his… companion.

Obviously he failed.

"Raito-kun you are writing an atrociously bad fic… about us. Why is that… I can't even…"

"There goes the fourth wall. Again."

"Fourth what?"

"Listen, this is a systematic breakdown of everything that is holding us down! I am sick of being treated like a second-class citizen with no free will of their own, played with at someone else's convenience! I DON'T WANT TO KEEP BEING FORCED TO WEAR RIDICULOUS CLOTHING AND SHOVED INTO TEAR-INDUCING CONVOLUTED PLOTS THAT MAKE NO SENSE AND DESTROY EVERY SHRED OF INTEGRITY I HOLD DEAR!"

"Raito-kun, you are a psychopathic villain within a Japanese graphic novel about supernatural murders that deal with the philosophical devolution of man and the morality behind the idea of murder 'for the good of mankind'." L scratched his head, hair practically frothing at the contact. "Since when have you had integrity?"

"Does reality even exist anymore at this point?" The Light dressed in a bear suit mumbled quietly, once again ignored.

"I'M SICK OF BEING UKE DAMN IT!"

"And writing horrible stories will somehow accomplish this? Sending innocent people who have worked tirelessly on your characterization disingenuous, bordering on scathing reviews makes you feel better?" L suppressed a grin. "Surprise, surprise, Light-kun fails at trolling. Epically."

"Besides…" L smirked as he slid behind the glowering artist, dark eyes now gaining a perverse quality to them. "Raito-kun seems to forget the one thing to his advantage in this situation."

"And what is that?"

"Orgasms Raito-kun. Lots… and lots… of orgasms."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Just get me the hell out of here and do what you're written to do damn it."

"CAN DO!"

The other Lights' and Ls' blinked as the two artists quite literally disappeared from sight.

One however, just couldn't help but ask…

"Can anybody please explain to me what a kinkmeme is?"

Several sweat-drops, nose-bleeds and google searches later, the question was unanimously decided to never be mentioned ever again.


End file.
